While some of these stories may seem made up, I promise everything on here actually happened.
I also use the term "people" somewhat loosely as a restaurant, a golf club and an anti-masturbation billboard ended up making this year's list.
Let me know what you think, here are my fourteen most ridiculous people of 2014...
14. Vermin Supreme
One of these guys is running for President in 2016.
Vermin Supreme (the guy on the left), had a small campaign for President in 2012 and is planning to run again in 2016. His last campaign was based on zombie apocalypse awareness and time travel research. If elected, he promises to give everyone a free pony and pass a law requiring everyone to brush their teeth.
I like it when politicians go against the norm, but no one's going to take you seriously when you're talking crazy and wearing a boot on your head.
13. Nicholas Wig
On June 19th, Nicholas Wig broke into a home in St Paul, Minnesota. He stole cash, credit cards and a watch from the homeowner. But before leaving, he decided to check a few websites on the homeowner's computer. One of them was Facebook. He signed into his Facebook account and then forgot to sign out.
When the homeowner discovered the break in he immediately called the police. He showed them his computer and wondered if the thief was trying to frame Nicholas Wig for the break in.
When police confirmed that Nicholas Wig was responsible, the homeowner called him "the world's dumbest criminal". Wig is currently awaiting trial and faces up to ten years in prison.
12. Andre Johnson aka Christ Bearer
One of their "friends", rapper Andre Johnson, made headlines this Summer. While partying in North Hollywood - he cut off his penis and jumped out a window. He was then rushed to the hospital but doctors were unable to reattach his penis. It was later confirmed that he was high on PCP.
When he was asked about the incident a week later he said, "I was using drugs that night, but I was in complete control. I cut it off because it was the root of all my problems. Sex is for mortals and I am a god."
Uhhh, okay bro. You're not in Wu-Tang anymore.
After several media stories linked Andre Johnson to Wu-Tang, they put out a statement on their website, "Don't believe the hype! This mothf*cker is not affiliated with the Wu-Tang brand".
10 and 11.) Ric Flair / Dennis Rodman
Whoooooo! Get in shape like the Nature Boy for just $19.99!!
I love Ric Flair, but he's one of the last people I'd put on the cover of a fitness DVD. The same goes for Dennis Rodman, whose popularity is at an all time low due to his friendship with Kim Jong Un.
In all seriousness - who the hell would buy this? No one buys "fitness DVDs" anymore and the few people that do aren't going to buy the one with Ric Flair and Dennis Rodman on the cover.
9. Whoever invented "The Uro Club"
*Makes a great Father's Day gift*
Do you ever go golfing and have to pee in the middle of the round? Instead of just peeing in the woods (like everyone else does) you can use the "Uro Club" - a hollowed out fake golf club you can pee into and then stick back in your bag. And it's only $19.99 (plus shipping and handling).
Seriously, no one cares if you just pee behind a tree while golfing - but I would laugh so hard if I saw someone using this. And can you imagine how disgusting this is when you forget about it and have to wash it out with a hose three weeks later?
8. Jose Canseco
In October, former MLB slugger Jose Canseco accidentally shot his middle finger off while cleaning his gun. He was rushed to the hospital and had emergency surgery to reattach the finger. It was successfully reattached, but has limited movement.
A month later, Canseco tweeted that while playing in a poker tournament - his finger fell off. He then announced plans to put the severed finger on eBay.
In December, it was revealed by TMZ that it was a hoax. Canseco really did shoot his finger off, but it never fell off during a poker tournament. He had hoped to create a big news story and sell a different finger on eBay for tons of money. But when he couldn't find a severed finger to sell - his whole plan fell apart.
This has to be one of the most half baked ideas I've ever heard. First off, where did he think he was going to find a severed finger? And who the hell would want to buy a severed finger anyway? Unless you kept it frozen, it would turn black and start decomposing.
7. Bradley Hardison
Bradley Hardison spent nine months on the run with a warrant for breaking and entering. One day (presumably while super hungry) Hardison decided to enter a donut eating contest. He downed eight donuts (approx 2,400 calories) in two minutes for a second place finish. There was only one problem...
Over half of the people in the audience were cops. Shortly after receiving his award he was taken into jail when several officers recognized him. He is currently awaiting trial and facing ten years in prison.
6. Kanye West
While performing in Australlia, Kanye West thought he had the entire crowd on their feet for 'The Good Life'. But during the chorus ("throw your hands up in the sky") he noticed there was one guy sitting down. He then stopped the song to yell at him.
"I can't do this. I can't do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit - STAND UP!"
He started to really get upset when the poor guy remained sitting. He kept ranting while people in the crowd started making wheel chair motions with their hands.
"This is the longest I've ever had to wait to do a song. This is unbelievable."
Finally, his bodyguard came on stage and explained to him that the fan he was yelling at was in a wheel chair.
Kanye then blurted out "Oh, he actually is in a wheel chair, that's fine then" and then went into his next song.
5. The State of South Dakota
But there's nothing else to do in South Dakota...
The state of South Dakota was going to spend thousands of dollars to tell everyone to stop jacking off while driving. At least that's what it seemed like.
They had planed a campaign called "#DontJerkandDrive" with billboards telling people to "think before you jerk". Their intent was to reduce accidents caused by "jerking" the wheel (turning sharply) in the snow.
The ad campaign was cancelled at the last minute for being "inappropriate" (gee you think?). Can you imagine how these billboards would have looked to visitors driving through South Dakota?...
Carl: "Hey Dave, I heard you went hunting out in South Dakota last weekend. How was it?"
Dave: "It was really pretty. Plenty of deer and the weather was just perfect. But there were all these billboards reminding you not to jerk off while driving."
Carl: "What the hell?"
Dave: "I bet there were some people that got in accidents while jerking off so they had to put up the billboards as like a public service thing."
Carl: "Well I guess I could see that. It is pretty boring out there."
4. Derek Rose
After missing over six months due to injuries, Derek Rose was cleared by doctors to return in April - right before the NBA playoffs. Even though his doctors said he could play, he decided to sit out. He put off his return and planned for a fresh start to the new season in November.
One month into the new season, Rose had only played in about half of the Bulls' games. Chicago fans started getting angry and demanded to know why he wasn't playing. His excuse? "I'm thinking about the future. I don't wanna be all sore for my son's graduation."
Keep in mind his son is two years old and he's getting paid $30 million per year. This didn't go over well with the Chicago fans - who longed for the days when Michael Jordan won his sixth title (Rose has none) while sick with the flu.
3. T.G.I. Fridays
T.G.I. Fridays had a special on New Year's Eve where you could eat unlimited appetizers for $299. This included buffalo wings, mozerella sticks and loaded potato skins.
Let that sink in for a second. $299 to eat unlimited appetizers. Granted, you could start as early as 7pm and eat until 2am, but that only covers one person. If you brought a date that's $599 before drinks and tip. So, you're looking at somewhere near $700 to bring your date to T.G.I. Friday's (of all places) on New Year's Eve.
If you decided to go for this "deal" - you'd probably want to get your money's worth. These appetizers are normally around $5.99 apiece, so to break even you'd have to eat 50 rounds of appetizers! That's over 30,000 calories!!!!
Anyone who signed up for this is either spending way too much money on appetizers or eating enough calories to take an entire month off of their lifespan.
2. Toby Sheldon
He is totes for realz.
Toby Sheldon, age 33, was recently featured on an episode of TLC's 'My Strange Addiction'. The episode starts with Toby asking strangers if they can guess what celebrity he looks like. When they say they "don't know", it's revealed that Toby has spent over $100,000 on plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber.
During the episode, Toby applies for another operation (to look more like Bieber) and is turned down. Most respectable plastic surgeons are denying him because he's already had over 100 operations.
At the end of the episode, Toby does his best Bieber impression and records a song in the studio. It's embarrassingly bad and was called "off key" and "cringe worthy" in a recent article.
I don't know where he got $100,000 for all the Bieber surgery, but I'm sure he didn't just save up for it on his own. That means that either his parents paid for it or he took out an insane amount of loans - both of which are pretty f*cked up.
1. Shingy - Digital Prophet AOL
You remember America Online, right? They used to be the #1 internet provider in the U.S. Today, they only have two million customers left - and most of them are senior citizens. In order to save the company, they needed to make some drastic changes.
So, what did they decide to do? Hire a new CEO? Invest in a new product line? Merge with another company?
Nope. They decided to hire a "Digital Prophet" named "Shingy" and pay him $500,000 a year.
Now, you're probably wondering what a Digital Prophet is. According to AOL's CEO, he's an "explorer from the future that lives in multiple worlds".
Um, okay...
So, what exactly does a "Digital Prophet" do?
His job is to provide insight on the future and how it relates to AOL. Some of his "bold" predictions on the next big trends include "wearable technology", "WiFi for cats" and that "dark purple" is the "future of purple".
His most important prediction? The death of social media. According to Shingy, the new trend will be "defriending and unfollowing". Nice try bro, but Facebook and Twitter aren't going away anytime soon. Even if social media does collapse - how is that supposed to benefit AOL? And why the hell is Shingy being paid $500,000 a year to come up with this nonsense?!?!?
My "bold" prediction? It won't be long before AOL shuts down and Shingy hits the unemployment line.
Thanks for reading!
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