Are We Living in Loserville, USA? (Twins, Vikings, T-Wolves and Wild)

Is it just me, or are you frustrated with the mediocrity of our pro sports teams? It’s gotten so bad that [local sports announcer] Paul Allen has started referring to the Twin Cities as “Loserville, USA”. In case you forgot, the last time a Minnesota team won a championship was way back in 1991. The Twins prevailed in one of the most exciting World Series in baseball history; defeating the Braves in the 10^th inning of game 7. It was a magical time for the entire state of Minnesota, but that was over twenty years ago. Not only was ‘91 the last time we won a championship, it was also the last time we made it to the “finals” (i.e. each respective sport’s final playoff game; the World Series, Super Bowl, Stanley Cup Finals or NBA Finals).

So, is going twenty years without a finals appearance really that shitty? Are we really living in “Loserville, USA”? To find out, I will compare our misfortunes with the other U.S. cities/states/metro areas that host a team in each major sports league (MLB, NBA, NFL and the NHL). Below are the 12 metro areas that host a team in each sport.

Boston/New England (Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins)

Chicago (Bears, Cubs/White Sox, Bulls, Blackhawks)

Dallas (Cowboys, Rangers, Mavericks, Stars)

Denver/Colorado (Broncos, Rockies, Nuggets, Avalanche)   

                                                                                

Detroit (Lions, Tigers, Pistons, Red Wings)

Miami/Florida (Dolphins, Marlins, Heat, Panthers)

St Paul/Minnesota (Vikings, Twins, Timberwolves, Wild)

New York/NJ (Giants/Jets, Mets/Yankees, Knicks/Nets, Devils/Islanders/Rangers)

Philadelphia (Eagles, Phillies, 76ers, Flyers)

Phoenix/Arizona (Cardinals, Diamondbacks, Suns, Coyotes)

San Francisco/Bay Area/Oakland (49ers/Raiders, Athletics/Giants, Warriors, Sharks)

Washington, D.C. (Redskins, Nationals, Wizards, Capitals)

Next, I will rank each metro area based on number of championships and finals appearances since 1992:

1.  New York / New Jersey – 9 Championships, 19 Finals appearances

Yankees won the World Series in 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000 and 2009; lost in 2001 and 2003

Giants won the Super Bowl in 2008 and 2012; lost in 2001

The Rangers won the Stanley Cup in 1994

The Devils won the Stanley Cup in 1995, lost in 2001 and 2012

The Knicks lost in the NBA Finals in 1994 and 1999

The Nets lost in the NBA Finals 2002 and 2003

The Mets lost in the 2000 World Series

To be fair, the New York / New Jersey area has twice as many teams as Minnesota. But since 1992, we haven’t won shit, while they’ve made it to the finals 19 times and won 9 championships. The Yankees are by far their best team; having won the World Series 5 times since ’92 and a record 27 times in franchise history. Guess how many total championships the Twins, Wild, Vikings and T-Wolves have won? Two (Twins in ’87 and ’91). Let me say that again; the Yankees have won the World Series 27 times, and our four teams COMBINED have only won two championships. WTF?!? This is why we hate the Yankees so much.   

2.  Chicago – 9 Championships, 11 Finals appearances

The Bulls won the NBA Championship in 1991, 1992, 1993, 1996, 1997 and 1998

White Sox won the World Series in 2005

Bears lost in the 2007 Super Bowl

Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup in 2010 and 2013; lost in the Finals in 1992

While Chicagoans spent the 90’s watching Michael Jordan win six NBA titles, we were busy rooting for losers like J.R. Rider and Chuck Knoblauch. Outside of the Bulls, Chicago has seen the White Sox, Bears and Blackhawks all make the finals since ‘92. The Cubs certainly haven’t had much success in the playoffs, but they’re still loved for certain intangibles; a beautiful stadium (Wrigley Field), legendary announcers (Harry Carray), a history of great players (Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, Sammy Sosa, etc.) and die-hard fans that show up no matter what. In contrast, our worst team (T-Wolves) plays in a boring arena, has boring players and is so desperate for fans they give away free tickets with the purchase of Wonder Bread (yes, that was a real promotion last season).   

3.  Boston – 7 Championships, 10 Finals appearances

Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 and 2007

Patriots won the Super Bowl in 2002, 2004 and 2005. Lost in the 2008 and 2012 Super Bowl.

Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 2011

Celtics won the NBA Championship in 2008, lost in the 2010 NBA Finals.

After rivaling the Cubs for the longest drought in World Series history, the Red Sox won it all in 2004. Since then, all four of Boston’s teams have won a championship. The Patriots have been their most successful team, with three Super Bowls victories in five appearances. Since Tom Brady took over at quarterback, they’ve been Super Bowl “contenders” almost every year. Seriously, when was the last time the Twins, Wolves, Wild or Vikings were considered among the elite teams in their sport? To make things even more painful, three of Boston’s championships were won with the help of a lopsided trade from a Minnesota team (David Ortiz to the Red Sox and Kevin Garnett to the Celtics.)  

4.  Detroit – 6 Championships, 11 Finals appearances

Redwings won the Stanly Cup in 1997, 1998, 2002 and 2008; lost in 1995 and 2009

Pistons won the NBA Championship in 1990 and 2004; lost in 2005

Tigers lost in the 2006 and 2012 World Series

Other than the Lions, Detroit has been very successful with the Redwings, Pistons and Tigers all making multiple finals appearances. The Redwings have been their best team and (holy crap) have not missed the playoffs since the 1990-1991 season. Granted, half the teams make the playoffs in the NHL, but it’s the same in the NBA – where our T-Wolves haven’t made the postseason in 10 years. Still, it’s not worth getting shot at or stabbed to live in a city where your team always makes the playoffs, which is what would happen if you lived in Detroit.

5.  Dallas / Texas – 5 Championships, 9 Finals appearances

Cowboys won the Super Bowl in 1993, 1994 and 1996

Stars won the Stanley Cup in 1999, lost in 2000

Mavericks won the NBA Championship in 2011; lost in 2006

Rangers lost in the 2010 and 2011 World Series

They say everything is bigger in Texas, and their trophy case is certainly a hell of a lot bigger than ours. All four teams from the Dallas area have had recent postseason success, with only the Rangers failing to win it all (they did however make it to the World Series in 2010 and 2011). Texas teams outside of the Dallas area have also been good, with the San Antonio Spurs winning four championships since 1992 and the Houston Rockets winning two. So, if you’re from pretty much anywhere in Texas – your favorite team has won at least one title in recent years.

6.  Miami/Florida – 5 Championships, 7 Finals appearances

Marlins won the World Series in 1997 and 2003

The Heat won the NBA Championship in 2006, 2012 and 2013, lost in 2011

Panthers lost in the 1996 Stanley Cup Finals

Miami is the only city on this list to host the best team in one sport (Heat) and the worst team in another (Marlins). The Heat are responsible for three of the city’s five championships since ’92, with the Marlins winning the other two. Unfortunately, the Marlins have become pathetic of late, with an owner (Jeffrey Loria) so cheap he makes the Pohlads look like Jay-Z. On top of that, the Dolphins and Panthers are perennial sub-.500 teams, making the Heat the only relevant Miami team. 

7.  San Francisco – 4 Championships, 6 Finals appearances

Giants won the World Series in 2010 and 2012; lost in 2002

49ers won the Super Bowl in 1990 and 1995, lost in the 2013 Super Bowl

San Francisco is turning into one hell of a sports town. Look at what their teams have done in the last year; the Athletics made the playoffs and lost in the Division Series, the Warriors made it to the Western Conference Finals, the Sharks made it to the Conference Semifinals, the 49ers made it to the Super Bowl and the Giants won the World Series. Could you imagine a year like that here? We’re lucky if one of our teams makes the playoffs and gets swept in the first round.

8.  Denver – 4 Championships, 5 Finals appearances

Broncos won the Super Bowl in 1998 and 1999

Avalanche won the Stanley Cup in 1996 and 2001

Rockies lost in the 2007 World Series

Denver has had a fair amount of success making it to five Finals and winning four times. Their sports landscape is actually pretty similar to ours; their football team consistently makes the playoffs (Broncos), their hockey team is above average (Avalanche), their baseball team is below average (Rockies) and their basketball team fucking sucks (Nuggets). But unlike us they’ve actually won a championship since ‘Alf’ and ‘The Golden Girls’ were the most popular shows on TV. Plus, weed is legal there, so they have that going for them.   

9.  Philadelphia – 1 Championship, 7 Finals appearances

Phillies won the World Series in 2008, lost in 1993 and 2009

76ers lost in the 2001 NBA Finals

Flyers lost in the 1997 and 2010 Stanley Cup Finals

Eagles lost in the 2005 Super Bowl

Philly fans do have it rough. Up until the Phillies won the World Series in 2008, they had the longest running championship drought of any four team city – with the Phillies winning their last title in 1980. Besides the 2008 Phillies championship, they have made it to the Finals and lost six times since 1992. So, while they have won a title in the last 22 years, Philadelphia teams have given their fans more heartbreaking seasons than (arguably) any other city on this list.  

10.  Phoenix – 1 World Title, 3 Finals appearances

Diamondbacks won the World Series in 2001

Suns lost in the 1993 NBA Finals

Cadinals lost in the 2009 Super Bowl

Sadly, the Phoenix area hasn’t won a championship in over ten years. The Diamonbacks won a seven game World Series against the Yankees in 2001, and the Suns and Cardinals lost in the ’93 and ’09 Finals. Other than that, they haven’t done shit. They do have Larry Fitzgerald, but other than him – there’s not much to get excited about in Phoenix.

11.  Washington, DC – 1 World Title, 2 Finals appearances

Redskins won the 1992 Super Bowl

Capitals lost in the Stanley Cup Finals in 1998

The D.C. area is just barely ahead of us, last winning the Super Bowl just four months after the Twins won the ‘91 World Series. However, they are well poised for the future with promising young talent on three of their teams; the Capitals have Alex Ovechkin (age 27), the Redskins have Robert Griffin III (age 27) and the Nationals have Stephen Strasburg (age 25). The same cannot be said about the Washington Wizards, who (just like the T-Wolves) have only won a single playoff series in the last twenty years. Still, with the young talent on the Redskins, Nationals and Capitals – they will probably bring home another championship long before a Minnesota team does.

12.  Mpls/St Paul – 0 Championships and 0 Finals appearances

So, there you have it – Minnesota officially has the longest championship drought among cities with four teams. On top of that, most of the small market areas have won also won a title since ’92; Baltimore (Ravens - 2001 and 2013 Super Bowl), St Louis (Rams - 2000 Super Bowl, Cardinals - 2013 World Series), Houston (Rockets - 1994 and 1995 NBA Finals), Atlanta (Braves - 1995 World Series), Indianapolis (Colts - 2007 Super Bowl), New Orleans (Saints - 2010 Super Bowl), Tampa Bay (Bucs - 2003 Super Bowl, Lightning - 2004 Stanley Cup), Pittsburgh (Steelers - 2006 Super Bowl, Penguins - 1992 and 2009 Stanley Cup), Green Bay (Packers - 1997 and 2009 Super Bowl), Carolina (Hurricanes - 2006 Stanley Cup), and Anaheim (Angels - 2002 World Series).

My point here is not to bitch and complain; it’s that we need to win a title before fans start losing hope. Kids that graduated college this past Spring have not seen a Minnesota team in the World Series, Super Bowl, Stanley Cup Finals or NBA Finals in their lifetime. For those that are my generation (born early to mid 80’s), we just barely remember watching the ’91 World Series as little kids. I want to enjoy that moment as an adult with all my friends; celebrating and getting crazy drunk as our team is awarded a giant trophy. It would be so amazing I could see myself (and others) crying tears of joy. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen anytime soon. Well, at least not with the Twins or T-Wolves. If one of our teams does win a championship in the near future, I’m sure it will be the Vikings. And if we do somehow get lucky and win the Super Bowl – it will be on the shoulders of one man….

Save us Adrian Peterson, you’re our only hope…

Thanks for reading!