How to Speak “Joe” – Contributions to the Urban Dictionary

Over the years, I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I speak my own language. That might be true, but some of my sayings have taken off (in small doses) and are being used by literally dozens of people throughout the Twin Cities. For example, I went to a Vikings game last year and overheard someone describe Christian Ponder’s passing game as “deece grumps”. And last week, I heard someone on KFAN describe the Twins’ chances of making the playoffs this year as “medium whack”.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’ve come to the right place. Most of my made up phrases take the esoteric approach – meaning they’re only funny to a small group of people. But by reading my blog, you will be among the enlightened few that can speak “Joe”. Below are my recent contributions to the Urban Dictionary.   

Deece Grumps

Deece grumps is used to describe something as ‘deece’ – but for an old man, i.e. pretty lame. I invented deece grumps in 1998 while caddying for rich assholes in Edina. I used to call the old men “grumps” and “deece” (short for decent) was popular back then to describe things as “pretty cool” or “alright”. So, I combined the two words to describe an old man’s 140 yard drive that landed in the rough. Meaning his shot was “deece” – but only if you take into account that he’s an 80 year old prick.

Examples:

“Steely Dan is Deece Grumps” (Translation:  “Yeah, I guess Steely Dan is deece…if you’re my grandpa”)

“The Twins pitching staff is Deece Grumps” (Translation: “The Twins’ pitching is deece…if it’s a senior’s softball league”)

“The Rail Station Bar and Grill is Deece Grumps” (Translation:  “The Rail Station is deece, if you’re trying to hook up Peggy – who has been divorced twice and has three cats”)

Medium Whack

Medium whack (and other variations) is used to describe something as being whack, but to also to emphasize a lack of interest in the subject. So, it’s essentially the same thing as “whack”, but you add the “medium” part to 1.) Be redundant for no reason and 2.) Indicate feelings of indifference towards the subject, i.e. “It’s whack and I’m already bored of talking about it”. 

Example:  

“How was Club Jaeger last night?” “Medium whack, dude. Way too many hipsters dancing to weird music. I should’ve stayed home and watched Netflix.”

Other potential uses…

Medium Funny:  “How was ‘The Hangover 2’?”, “I guess it was medium funny.” 

Medium Cool:  “How was the party in uptown?”, “It was medium cool, I guess…”

Playing the Heel

Playing the heel is a wrestling term that means “being the bad guy”. However, it is different than simply just being a “jerk”. People usually act like jerks for selfish reasons, i.e. they cut you off in traffic because they’re late, or throw fast food wrappers out their window because they’re lazy. “Playing the heel”, however, means being a jerk for a completely unselifsh reason – to entertain your friends. Just as heel wrestlers (bad guys), do underhanded things so the crowd will boo them, “playing the heel” means being a jerk, but doing it solely for your friends’ amusement. As long as you can make your friends laugh (and no one gets hurt) you can justify your actions by explaining that you were “playing the heel”.

One example would be wearing offensive shirts. In my extensive collection, I have a shirt that says “OLD PEOPLE SUCK”. If I wear it out in public, I get some MEAN looks, mainly from (you’d never guess)…old people.  

Another example would be playing poo dollar. If you’ve never played poo dollar, basically you put a bunch of poop on one side of a dollar bill. Then you carefully place the dollar poo side down in a public place – and watch people pick it up.

You can come up with your own ways to play the heel. As long as you’re making your friends laugh and no one gets hurt, you have my approval. And if someone catches you playing poo dollar, just shrug your shoulders and say, “Sorry, bro. I was playing the heel”.   

You Won’t!

“You Won’t!” is arguably my most versatile saying. It combines both negative and positive reinforcement at the same time (“you’re totally not going to do it – but you SHOULD!”). It can be used when someone says they are going to do something, but you’re worried they won’t actually do it. So, if your friend says he’s going to do something, and you don’t believe him, scream “You Won’t!” to help encourage him. 

    

“I’m gonna get some shots”… “You won’t!”

“I'm gonna ask that girl to dance”…”You won’t!”

*About a year ago, my friend Ben Johnson was like, “You know how we always say, ‘YOU WON’T’? What’s that from? Is that from some movie or something?”

I explained to him that’s it’s not from anything, it’s just something I started because I thought it was funny. That blew his mind, and made him appreciate it even more. Now, Ben says “you won’t” even more than I do.

Snowboarding Enough to Drive

I started this in college and it still gets a laugh today. Whenever one of your friends has had too much to drink, give them a look of concern and ask, “Are you snowboarding enough to drive?” Obviously, this is a test to see if they are too wasted for their own good (making them think you said “sober enough to drive”). So, if your wasted friend fires back, “Yeah man, I can totally drive!” – punch him in the dick and steal his keys. 

The correct answer would have been, “How wasted are YOU? You just said, 'snowboarding enough to drive'. You’re not driving anywhere drunkie”. 

Ancient Artifacts (Books)

I know I might be in the minority on this one, but I hate books. I think they’re outdated and boring. So, when people talk about them, I’ll pretend like I haven’t seen or heard of them since the turn of the century. 

Examples:

“Oh nice, look at all these books. Do you also collect VHS tapes? What about Atari?”

“I just got this new book, it’s so great and I can’t stop reading it”…”Oh wow, they still make those?”

And someday, when my kids ask “What’s a book?” and I’ll say, “It’s kind of like an article from the internet, but way longer and it’s all written on pieces of paper. Oh and there’s no video or audio or anything except words”. And they’ll say, “Dad, that sounds boring”. And I’ll be like, “It was, it really was”.

Ask Him!

When Chris Jericho puts someone in the Liontamer (pictured above), he often screams at the referee to “ask him” i.e. ask the other wrestler if he wants to tap out. So, anytime someone says “ask him” in real life, I’ll scream “ASK HIM” immediately afterwards.

Usually when someone says “ask him”, it’s in an uncertain situation like “Maybe I should ask him out”. So, whenever someone says it, you should yell “ASK HIM” to encourage them to go through with it, no matter what the context is. 

Examples:

At the bar: “Maybe I should ask him [the bartender] to make us some Jag Bombs?”  “ASK HIM!’

At work:  “Maybe I should ask my boss for Friday off so I can party on Thursday.”  “ASK HIM”

*For an added bonus, and especially if you think your friend is going to wuss out, follow it up with “YOU WON’T!!!”

  

Throwing it Back

This one goes out to you, ladies. Whenever you ask us guys a question, and we say something like, “What do you mean?” you cannot reply with “What do YOU mean?” This is “throwing it back” – when you ask someone a question, and they ask you the same exact question in return. 

Here are some variations:

“What are you talking about?”…”What are YOU talking about?”

“What are you thinking?” … “What are YOU thinking?”

“Where have you been?”…”Where have YOU been?”

Whenever this happens, my brain starts to hurt and I feel like I’m doing some kind of Abbott and Costello routine. Obviously, when I say, “What do you mean?” – I mean “Can you explain yourself further?” So, whenever someone returns my “What do you mean?” with another “What do YOU mean?” I shut it down and say nope – you can’t just throw it back. And it stops the madness from ensuing.