#10.) World’s
heaviest woman loses weight with “Marathon Sex”
Pauline Potter, the world’s heaviest woman (632 pounds) claims to have lost 96 pounds having marathon sex with her ex-husband Steve. Pauline claims that she sweats off “loads of calories” and does it with her ex-husband Steve up to seven times per day. In an interview with Dr. Drew, she referred to it as “sexercise” and estimates that she can burn up to 500 calories per session. Her story itself is pretty ridiculous, but the fact that this was treated by “news” and covered by EVERYONE (CNN, NBC, NY Daily News, Huffington Post, etc.) earns her the #10 spot. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to hear sex stories about a sweaty, 600 pound woman while I’m watching CNN on my lunch break.
#9.) Woman tries to ride scooter up the escalator
A woman in Boston decided it would be a good idea to ride her motorized scooter up the escalator. Obviously, after a few seconds she tumbled backwards and fell off her scooter. Then she stood up, picked up her scooter and WALKED away. Wow. Check out the link if you haven’t seen the video. At least she didn’t try to turn whole the thing into some ridiculous lawsuit (see #8)…
#8.) Drunk driver
sues innocent victim
If there was an asshole of the year award, this guy would be a top contender.
On Christmas 2007, David Belniak was driving drunk and
crashed into a vehicle stopped at a red light - killing three people. He eventually plead guilty in court to DWI / Manslaughter
as there was evidence of drugs and alcohol in his system. He received a 12 year sentence in jail. He has recently filed a lawsuit against the
family of the man he killed, claiming the crash wasn’t his fault. Mr. Belniak is seeking compensation for pain
and suffering plus the cost of his medical bills. Again, the victim was stopped at a red light
and David Belniak crashed into him while drunk. David also PLEAD GUILTY IN THE FIRST TRIAL AND WAS CONVICTED. Almost everyone involved has dismissed his new lawsuit as ridiculous, but it will actually go to court because Belniak is
willing to pay some lawyer enough money.
Can you imagine the family of the victim having to show up to court to
rehash this tragedy from five years ago?
What an asshole.
#7.) Only at Wal-Mart
This woman in Kentucky tried to file a complaint with Wal-Mart after being asked to leave for shopping topless. It was probably laundry day, so she figured, “My shirts are dirty, but my boobs are pretty saggy. I bet I could just tuck them into my pants and no one will notice”. Thankfully, there was no lawyer sleazy enough to file a sexual harassment suit against Wal-Mart on her behalf.
#6.) Call Ric Flair for Just $495 / Skype Ric Flair for Just $995
Whooooooo!!!! Wrestling legend and sixteen time world heavyweight champion Ric Flair has officially went off the deep end. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE me some Ric Flair – but he’s REALLY hurting for cash these days after going through his fourth divorce. So, he started a website offering a personal five minute phone call for $495 or a ten minute Skype video chat for $995. I’m sorry, but WHO THE FUCK WOULD PAY FOR THIS???!?!?? I wouldn’t pay $500 to chat with President Obama for five minutes. How could you possibly feel satisfied spending money on this? I imagine this is what it would be like:
Caller: Hello, I’d like to speak to the Nature Boy.
Ric: Whhooooo!!! This is the NAAAATTTUUREE BOOYYY, RIC
FLAIR!!! Stlyin and profiling just for
you brother. What’s your name son?
Caller: My name’s
Dave.
Ric:
Whoooooooo!!! And how’s it going
Dave?
Caller: Pretty
good. I’m a big fan.
Ric: That’s
amazing. Whoooooo!!! Let me tell you about the time I fought Hulk
Hogan in a cage match. You see, I had
that no good son of a bitch locked up in the figure four. He was tapping out, but the ref was
distracted by Jimmy Hart. So, I nailed
Hogan with some brass knuckles I had hidden in my tights and…
Ric: Oh look at that,
we’re out of time. Thanks again for
calling the Nature Boy. Call me back
sometime or try our new Skype option.
Whoooooooo!!! Goodbye.
If you thought $1,000 to video chat with Flair was a rip-off,
wait til you see this: Glenn Beck is
selling
a jar of his pee for $25,000.
This was done in response to an artist’s painting of Obama depicted as
Jesus on the cross. Beck found the painting
offensive and decided to produce his own piece of controversial “art”. His “creation” was him peeing in a mason jar
(he claims it’s really his pee) and dropping a plastic Obama figurine
inside. He is selling the “art” for a
mere $25,000 and promises to produce a similar tribute to Michelle Obama after
his first piece is sold.
Seriously, Glenn Beck, what the hell is wrong with you? Why don't you spend time discussing ACTUAL political issues. If you want to rip Obama, that's fine - but putting his likeness in a jar of pee doesn't prove anything - other than the fact that you're desperate for attention and no longer relevant. This is why you lost your show on Fox and Republicans no longer want to be associated with you.
A 25 year old woman named Pao claims she is suffering because she was born as the wrong species. Pao believes she is a cat trapped in a human body. She spends her days crawling around like a cat and eating raw fish. She also gets upset when people try to engage in conversation with her – because she expects them to treat her as a cat.
How the hell does she expect to get a job? No serious business owner would ever hire someone
who thinks they’re a cat. Could you
imagine getting help from someone like this at Home Depot?
“Yeah, I’m here to pick out some new tiles for my bathroom
floor.”
“Meeeeooww. The tiles
are over here. Meeeoowww. Don’t treat me like I’m a stupid human, I’m a
cat, duh! Let me know if you need any
more help. I’ll be over here eating cat
food. Oh, and thanks for shopping at the
Home Depot, meeeeoooowwww.”
#3.) Woman eating a
block of cheese in public
In July, this woman in Arkansas ate a block of cheese in public. What makes it ridiculous is that she’s in a wheelchair for weight related issues and has a box of Cheez-Its in her bag – yet still opts for the block of cheese. This is like a metaphor for everything that’s wrong with America...
I’m sorry, but this
just makes me want to scream at her:
“PUT AWAY THE HUGE BLOCK OF CHEESE!
THERE ARE A BOX OF CHEEZE-ITS IN YOUR BAG! WHY DON’T YOU WALK AROUND A BIT AND BURN SOME
CALORIES?!! MAYBE TRY DRINKING SOME
WATER INSTEAD OF A FREAKING 2 LITER OF PEPSI!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!??”
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/45-people-you-wont-believe-actually-exist-6z51
#2.) Anonymous - Cum
Box of Shame
Reddit.com had a post this summer that encouraged readers to submit stories about their darkest and most shameful secrets. One entry that detailed a “cum box” went viral and received over 20,000 views in the first few days.
Here’s an excerpt from the posting:
“Well it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a shoebox, or at least it once was, and
whenever I masturbate, I cum into it. I’ve
had it for two or three years now, so it has a fair amount of cum.
It’s pretty unbelievable this dude has a cum box, but the fact
that he tried to set it on fire and then put pictures on the internet earns
him the #2 spot. The only thing keeping
him from being #1 is that he has (thankfully) remained anonymous.
#1.) Vortex Jumper
And finally, the most
ridiculous person of 2012: Peter Gersten.
Peter Gersten made headlines
this summer announcing plans for his “vortex jump”. Mr. Gersten was convinced that when the Mayan
Calender expired on December 21st a giant portal would open that could
transport him to another dimension. The
only way for him to access this portal was to jump off the top of Bell Rock
near his home in Arizona at precisely 11:11 AM.
Here’s an excerpt from his
blog:
“Most of you will think that I am delusional and that my
insane act will certainly result in my death…I believe that some type of cosmic
portal will be opening at that time and place and that an opportunity will
present itself. I fully expect that it
will lead to the next level of this cosmic program, freedom from an imprisoning
time loop; a magical Martian like bubble; or something equally exotic.”
When December 21st finally came, Peter Gersten
climbed to the top of Bell Rock. Dozens
of people stood watching, including the local police who were ready to
interfere. He stood there for hours and
then eventually came down. When asked
why he didn’t jump, he said that the vortex “failed to appear”. Well, no shit dude. Of course a vortex didn’t randomly
appear. Even if vortexes were as rare as tornadoes were, it would be pretty amazing to predict when one would
appear. Except, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FUCKING VORTEX. NO ONE HAS EVER EVEN SEEN ONE. It’s not like they “might”
exist and there's this big conspiracy – like UFOs or Bigfoot. No one even believes in the existence of
vortexes – except for this nut-job.
Arizona had to spend over $1,000 of taxpayer money dispatching an
emergency response team to cover the non-jump.
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